Seven years of roommates after her brain surgeries — and Dear Abby gave all the homework to her.
A wife wrote to Dear Abby this week, and her letter is the kind that sits in your chest.
She survived a benign brain tumor eight years ago. The surgery and the repairs after it — ten facial surgeries in all — left her with facial paralysis. She’s still here. She beat it.
Her husband never left. He cares for her, the marriage works in every way but one: he hasn’t touched her in seven years. Not once. She says his health isn’t the reason. She’s asked him, gently, more than once. His whole answer is “it’s not you” — and then nothing. No reason. No doctor. No effort. Just seven years of silence under the same roof.
Abby told her to find a sex therapist and rebuild her confidence. Notice who got the homework. Her.
Here’s the part nobody says to the husband. In one study of husbands caring for wives with cancer, about half said the care itself changed how they saw her — patient first, wife second. Add fear of hurting her, and guilt for even wanting more, and a man can go quiet for years. That’s not an excuse. It’s an explanation he owes her out loud.
Because “it’s not you” isn’t protection. It’s a life sentence of guessing — and the guess she lives with is her own scars.
He kept the vow on paper: he stayed, he’s faithful, he shows up. But a marriage where one person is starving and the other won’t even say why — that’s not honor. That’s a debt unpaid.
Say the ugly thing. She can survive the truth. She already survived the tumor.
-SSM